My agent asked for an extract or three, so here are a few outtakes from what has been described by some as my ’work’ and by others as my ‘verbal meanderings’. If you can spare a moment to sit down at the side of life’s manic highway and avail yourself of a sampling that might just possibly make you leap to your feet again with a cry of “I want to read the rest of it now please, where can I get it?” then I’d not only be right chuffed but very likely clap you on the back and stand you a beer and ask to hear the story of your life.

Contents

DandiDaemon

Extract from Chapter 10

SCOTTY BRIGGS JOLTED AWAKE
DandiDaemon cover illustrating extract from chapter 10Scotty Briggs jolted awake to scents of earth and grass and an ache in his lower back. It felt like he’d carked it and been jerked back to life by one of those jobbies that jump-start the ticker. He was lying in a ditch, with no idea what-so-sodding-ever of how he got there, with the rucksack adding another crick to the one in residence. His wristwatch showed nearly five. He supposed it must be p.m. because a.m. would’ve had dew sparkling all over the shop and wet cobbies draped on bushes, not this haymaking languor with bone-dry grass and sky with the blue sucked out.

Blearily peering around he found a question probing his embattled sensibilities – well two really: where and why was he, and what was whoever he was doing in a field he’d never seen with a load of cows who, their interest in his presence having become exhausted some unknowable while ago, had gone back to their chewing? He darted agitated glances about, but could see nothing unusual in the bee-buzzing-bird-fluttering-traffic-and-planes-doing-their-thinging afternoon, apart from a toenail starting to show through a tear in the trainer on his left foot.

Then he began to remember.

Elvi had gone.

Kizzi too. Kizzi, Kizzi, Kizz. Poppety-woo-woo, squiddledy-boo-boo, followed by her rocking laughter high and happy rising in wacky wavelets to the scrumptious sky.

That’s all he could think about.

Again.

Kizzi’s gone.

That never might he see her, or Elvi, even one more time in the wastelands of forever; he would be boring himself yawningly about it if he didn’t feel their loss so meanly keenly like toothache on a Friday with the dentist just closed and Monday a bank holiday. As his sluggish mental processes set about collecting his scattered wits like a park-keeper picking up random rubbish with a spiked stick, he faintly began to remember some junkies stopping in a car even more clapped out than his own used to be, to give him a lift, and then…

Zilch. Zero. Squat.

If those five chunks of unadulterated pestilence were still waiting, he wasn’t going to let them grab him a second time. He knew what to expect now from the sickos, who’d been putting in the boot or something, or trying to, when his mind had blanked like a blind over a window, confusion jetting in from all sides to roll over everything, and now it had cleared why was he here and where had they gone?

Where had who gone?

Already he was forgetting.

Oh yes, those drugged-down losers. Why was his brain so fuzzed? He needed something to defend himself with during the funk-inspired sprint he was about to make to whichever road was nearest, to stop a passing something as long as it didn’t have them in it, so he snatched up a bit of branch and snapped off the twigs, it would do to jab and swipe like a berserker and cause those lowlife scumbags to rattle off in that rustbucket back to whatever hole in the ground they’d emerged from, so he dragged together parts of his sneaking-away courage till they assembled as an energy in all the bits that mattered, then flung himself into the open, wild of eye and flaring of nostril, heart hammering and throat too dry to yell like he needed it to.

They weren’t there.

No one was. The entire tiresomely toothsome terrain was completely sausageless in its perfectly perfect perfection. Faint in the far-off a police klaxon klaxed and a helicopter clittered, sucking senseless senses out of whatever he was and creating a cacophony that baffled ears not quite his while the surroundings dulled, then brightened through perplexingly different perceptions.

It was happening again.

Scotty slapped his head, splattering the scattershot thoughts, struggling for that murksome mist not to pump toxic blankness into his mind again, and in a dazing blur came images of those cobbled streets and timbered hay-thatched houses, black-garbed nuns drifting in a solidifying miasma through which stony eyes glared and censorious fingers wagged. Another head-slap and such perceptions as he possessed fought their way back in to recognise a nearby farmhouse whitewashed pink, a witch on a broomstick as a weathervane on its roof.

He knew this particular place wasn’t in that eerily uncanny but increasingly real other-world, because he recognised it, and he also knew it should have been miles behind him despite the leisurely pace of his hitch-hike north, yet here it was again as if he’d started back towards it in a condition of unconsciousness. He’d never done sleepwalking before, but there’s always a first time for everything unless you really don’t want to or they won’t let you. Why had he about-turned like that twitchy witchy weathervane did when the wind did its thing? Was he so wanting to see Kizzi again that he’d waited till he’d conked out before setting off back in his sleep?

How weird was that?

He knew he’d get nowt but verbal kicks from Elvi if he showed up again; he couldn’t, mustn’t, go back, at least not until he’d got himself sorted and given her a chance to get on the list for a council flat as an unmarried mother with a child to fend for on her own, and…

Come ON, wake UP.

What was he DOING, anyway? He should’ve reached the M1 motorway by now, in fact ought really to already be at Ethan’s garage taking over stuff like cleaning, sweeping, changing tyres, answering the blower, jockeying cars and making himself moneysworth like when he’d fitted Grandad Briggs’s meccano Flying Scotsman back together after knocking it off the table while practising karate kicks – him, not his grandfather – at the age of eleven.

He’d surprised them all then. And would do so again, so sod it.

Come ON. Turn about, Dick flipping Whittington.

There was no hitching on the motorways, but if he could get to a service station he could find a truckie to take him to Junction 19 and along the M6, or further on to 24 on the M1 and sneak up via Derby and Nottingham, avoiding the roadworks before Birmingham, and take Cheshire by surprise around Holmes Chapel, though he would hoof it the whole way if he had to, even though it was a couple of hundred miles, and…

Tramp, tramp, tramp, tramp. Was that it now, Kizzi wondering who he was once he’d got himself together enough to make his way back, only to find Elvi cosed up with a striped suit who worked in a bank and could take her on holidays like he’d never been able to unless you could call Tatton Park or Hampstead Heath a holiday? A faint coolness of grass-scented zephyrs hinted at autumn just over the hill, schools would be going back soon and he wouldn’t be there when Kizzi skipped out through the gates mid-afternoon with that winning grin to see him waiting to take her walks in the woods while she danced and sang alongside him; and now he had no car he couldn’t even have taken her to Barngate Hill where they’d chase through trees and jump on and off logs, tickle frogs to make them leap, then walk the long puffy slope to the pond at the top where she would chucklingly chuck bits of bread at the squabbling wobbling ducks.

Her echoing squeals of merry laughter were joyjolly phantomous.

Other times he’d collect Kizzi from a pal’s party and she’d come running, curls bobbing, happily waving the wrapped gift each little guest had been given, and she would jump in his arms and hang on his neck like he was some kind of prezzie someone had dropped in the mud, gift-wrapped in clothes a charity shop would say no to…

“Kizzi?” he whispered. “Elvi?”

Only birdsong answered. When he shut his eyes for more than a few hearbeats the face of that kiddie who wasn’t Kizzi floated in, of similar age with reddish hair and pallid eyelashes and a budlike mouth, infinitely dear to some remote set of feelings creeping closer; he was starting to think soft and precious like mother cat nuzzling her kitties, that wasn’t him at all; he let himself doze in self-defence, and in the scenario behind his eyeball-covers was the old village again like he remembered it from someone else’s dream, hills beyond, and he fought his eyes open to escape that someone else’s world he was being sucked back into.

As he lumbered forward step by step, nose northward, Scotty was finding it harder to think straight, or even crooked, but it was eerie how those other images were trying to shove his memories sideways inside his living brain as though whatever was creeping in needed to use them along with its own. He felt inside his windcheater for his wallet and snatched it out, probing the inside pocket for the photos of Elvi and Kizzi to brace his sad sorry soul and…

They weren’t there.

Life spat, jeered, kicked. Inside his rocking reeling mind he saw hands tearing his cherished pictures to fluttering scraps. Horror sliced and iced through everything he was and wasn’t. Those flakey junk-heads! Did he get away from them, then dive for cover and bang his skull on a rock? Were those spaced-out mingers even now waiting for him to re-hove into lurching view before having another pop at him?

Hadn’t he already had these thoughts?

What was happening to him?

Best keep his nose close to the earth like a fox trying to outguess the howling pack before emerging to scuttle further in any direction but the one they were occupying. For the moment his eyelids shut out the world again, best eyelids ever at doing that, at least he was good at something, or his eyelids were; he was thinking gobbledewhat and whatwasn’t, then fog began to billow in again and he forced his eyelids apart, aware of someone else’s memories pushing in once more with renewed and strengthening energies, while he struggled with ever-weakening vigour to keep them out.

The swooping began in the solar plexus, and on a sudden screen inside his shutting-down senses the white wooden fence jolted closer at every gasping step, terror and love, more powerful than any other sensation on God’s sweet earth, engulfing everything he was. “No – NO!” The hoarse plea expired in a whimper, and Scotty Briggs as Scotty Briggs existed no more.

The being dropped the clumsy weapon of wood it found in the hand now fully its own, and looked around the landscape in which it found itself, plucked with long lean fingers at lank hair on the bony head, tested the weight of the lumpy bag on its back, prodded the living arms with their wiry wisps and hard muscles and giggled deep-toned through the larynx. Before this moment of reawakening it had been sharing this body while acquiring the energies to take it over, but an importunate visitant to the earthbound realm had ejected it. This could not be repeated now it was in entire control, the abilities and memories of the prior inhabitant remained to be used: the brain cells and nervous system still functioned even though its original soul-essence had been forever expelled.

Balancing on the large feet, repeating sensations already experienced, the occupying spirit knew the cumbersome masculine apparatus must be re-learned before it could re-commence to move effectively in the direction in which it had been heading before being stopped by a summary expulsion of a kind it must ensure would not happen again, directing the body to turn and take a few faltering steps like a toddler gaining confidence with each ungainly lurch. Its powers in this dimension were not yet fully known. On assessing the distance to be covered to its quarry it became aware that, because of this unanticipated delay, early on the morrow would now be more timely for its approaches; the animated cadaver could carry it through the dark hours while drawing on the knowledge accessed from the host’s still-living brain as to the location of the dearly-desired objective, and the thing that had been Scotty Briggs began to develop a more certain stride as it moved southwards in the direction it knew, with ever greater clarity, that it must go.

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The Life and Times of a Doctor Who Dummy

eBook Published by Greenwave Editions, September 2014; Paperback Edition, February 2015

Extract from Chapter 7

doctor who dummy extractA word about that room I slept in, for there was a story attached to it that fascinated Derek Martinus. I had a dressing gown which I would put on to nip up the corridor to the loo in the night if I needed to. Soon after our arrival, I did this after a session in the bar with the others, at around 2 a.m. I usually slept nude as the weather was still warm, and as I put the dressing gown on it became intensely cold. I tore the garment off with a feeling that if I didn’t do so I would freeze. Just to touch it chilled my hands to the bone so I threw it on the floor and, for some weird reason, jumped up and down on it, and the soles of my feet felt like ice when doing so. Staring at the crumpled gown in bewilderment, I backed away from it, put on my pyjamas in case I met anyone, and left the room.

On returning I peered across at the discarded dressing gown. ‘This is silly,’ I thought. So I removed my pyjamas, picked up the gown and put it on again with what might be called defiance. At once the freezing sensation spread over my shoulders and back again, so I clawed the garment off and hurled it across the room. Then I got back in bed, turned out the lamp and, after a bit more puzzled thought, was soon asleep.

Next day at breakfast I told my story. No, I hadn’t been drunk. Imagination? Possibly – everyone had their own theory. The girl who served us went and told the hotel proprietor, Mr. Hayter. As we dispersed from the breakfast room ready for another day’s filming, he came up to me with an air of apology. “I didn’t want to say anything,” he said. “I hoped you wouldn’t mind being in that room.”

“Why would I mind?” I asked.
“It’s the haunted room,” he went on. “We don’t like to advertise it.” I was staring at him. “Some time in the sixteen-forties, during the Civil War, a wounded Cavalier stayed in that room and died during the night. We’ve had reports in the past about guests experiencing odd sensations there, and some claim to have seen his shape standing by the window.”

I peered at Mr. Hayter, a pleasant man in middle age, balding and on the chubby side. Was he making this up? But he was absolutely serious. “If you’d like to change your room,” he offered, “I’ll make arrangements.”
“Oh no,” I said, “thanks all the same. I quite like the idea of sharing a room with a ghost.”

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The Mystery of the Stolen Brides

Ebook published by Little, Brown Book Group on August 15th 2014 in their Crime Vault (click on the logo to go there).

crime vault logo

Extract from Chapter 4

extract from the mystery of the stolen bridesCharlotte turned to see the bed flooded with golden brightness and branded with the bars’ shadows. And she gave a gasp – for the bed curtains on this side were not quite closed, and through the gap she thought she glimpsed a shape.

Somehow she was moving, then drawing the dank bed-curtains wider. Dust-motes spiralled up from the counterpane that half-covered the girl who lay there. Her back was to Charlotte, and she wore a dress of blue satin. Her long dark hair spread shining like coal across the pillow, and she was very still.

Charlotte’s mind had ceased to function. She gripped the girl’s shoulder – wanting only to wake her, talk to her, share her ter­ror. She gripped harder and shook. The satin seemed uncannily clammy beneath her fingers, and strangely ridged. She pulled more urgently – and a screech choked in her throat as, with a hiss­ing sprawl, the figure rolled over on its back and a skull’s face leered up, sightless yet sighted somehow, into Charlotte’s own. She saw in paralysis of shock that shrivelled grapes were lodged in each eye-pit, giving the thing an intent stare. Black arched brows had been painted on to the bone of the forehead. Each cheek glistened with blobs of rouge, and around the grinning teeth shone blood-red waxen lines intended as lips. It wore a wig which had slid forward to give the face a terrifying raffish leer.

 

*         *         *

 

The Mystery of the Stolen Brides PAGE

 

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Lavender Days: A life-affirming Anglo-American affaire in Provence

Extract from Chapter 1

extract from lavender daysWith what felt like a thrill of daring he teased the red string free, opened the top and peered inside. Astonishingly, a fragrance of lavender seeped up from within and made his senses reel – even after all these years the smell was still strong. He dipped a hand inside and wonderingly drew out a small oval American football of foam rubber, a piece chewed off where a dog had once played with it. Stuck to the ball with stickytape was a piece of paper on which was written in a childish hand:

 

To Gabriel

From

Jodi

 

A few letters in their opened envelopes were in the bag too, written in a forward-sloping adult American hand. A small bulky book with the title ‘14,000 things to be happy about’ was wedged in as well. It seemed almost supernatural that, here in his flat, with a gloomy English early-winter afternoon outside, his nose should be tingling anew with the odour of lavender from that long-gone French summer.

 

Extract from Chapter 7

On we go on into the village on this enchanted day, and have a couple of rides on the dodgem cars there, great crazy fun. Then Kathryn drives us up into the mountains, glorious Provence scenery all around, towards a beautiful place called Gordes. We stop at a high spot and look down at the Abbaye de Sénanque, an ancient grey-bricked Cistercian abbey among fields of cultivated lavender, the scent of it, as in the garden at Jonquerettes, head-floatily strong.

On the way back Kathryn’s straw chapeau blows out through the open car window, so we stop at the roadside and she and Jodi go back to retrieve it. Chantal stays and talks to me, and teaches me how to say “Sud” (south) with a proper French accent: (“ssoood”), her lips pursed and face intent, a slight frown, glimpse of white teeth. I’m rewarded with a merry grin when I get it right and she cocks her head and looks at me like an approving teacher. My little language coach. She’s bought a bottle of lavender perfume and drenches herself and the car interior with it. I’ll never think of any of this, nor this part of the world, without thinking of lavender.

 

*         *         *

 

Lavender Days PAGE

 

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The Unmaking of a Britflick

A memoir in diary form

Extract from Tuesday 20th August, 1977

unmaking of a britflickKat took me to the Hurlingham Club for lunch with eyesparkling jewellery and hair coiffed (she, not me). Says it’s to give me background, as this is the sort of place the Moon characters would frequent. In my old Burton’s suit with the split crotch I felt like Tom Courtenay mixing with the higher-ups in The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner, yet felt unexpectedly at home there, too. Can this mean, as my surname might suggest, that my forbears were once nobs? – or was it (as dear old Grandma Squire always insisted) just a cockney joke? Should ‘cockney’ have a capital ‘c’? (discuss) Cordon bleu nosh, with red wine. Again Kat paid, flapping off my pathetic gesture of bringing my age-cracked leather wallet apprehensively into the open, but there’s still no money on offer to start me writing. Am I expected to do it for nothing as a gesture of goodwill? (gosh, never thought of that.)

 

Extract from Friday 27th February, 1998

As this vision from an era of squonking cabs and horse-buses pushed out a leaflet-bearing hand, I was about to mutter ‘no thanks’ in the way we Brits have when thus accosted, when she stumbled and grabbed my arm to keep from falling, crumpling the exhortation to bring my films to Snappy Snaps, win a holiday on a Greek Island and live contentedly for the rest of my days.

“Sorry.” It was almost a sob. In a moment the contact was gone as she righted herself and looked me in the face, elevated from her five-feet-eight or so by the tottery heels. Her eyes on mine were wide jade pools hemmed with black lashes, expressive in a half-scared puzzled way as if imploring me to answer the question of how she had arrived here and what was she doing in this particular dimension of space and time? Her vivid Titian hair was topped by a floppy cap of dark green velvet, and hung to her shoulders in coils and curls.

She was gorgeous.

“Are you okay?” Silly question, she was perished.

“Yes. Thanks.” Silly answer. Her legs were trembling, a blueish tinge around her mouth. She looked about to collapse and the wind would send her Snappy Snaps leaflets blizzarding into the traffic.

“Would you like a coffee or something?”

 

*         *         *

 

The Unmaking of a Britflick PAGE

 

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Mabel at Hastings

Extract from the Introduction

extract from mabel at hastingsOn the Saturday morning of August 2nd 1930 when Mabel Floyd picked up her best friend, Dorothy Carvill, from the King’s Head public house in Richmond where Dorrie’s parents were the licencees, to go off to Hastings for four weeks’ holiday, she was still 13 years old . . . In the Richmond and Twickenham Times published that day the ‘Twickenham’ type of quality houses, currently being built, are advertised at £945 Freehold each. On this the last day of Bentall’s sale a lady’s ‘Afternoon dress’ is down from 20 shillings (£1) to 5 shillings (25p). A made-to-measure suit can be had for 5 guineas (£5.25p) at Vivian Richfield’s on Hill Street.

Extract from August 17th 1930

When we were on the West Hill some boys ran away with our hats. Thought it attractive I suppose. Dorrie went after hers & socked one of them under the jaw, but missed. I went after mine. They ran away, & dropped the hat. It was all bent up. They waved a handkerchief to me. Afterwards we found out that it was Dorrie’s. If they hadn’t run away – cowards – I would have given them one each all round!

 

Mabel At Hastings PAGE

 

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Square One

Extract from Chapter 1

square one extractsThe dustbin-cluttered back yard, dark and winter-cold, welcomed me with open lids, allowed me to be sick in it; bore with fortitude the merry shrieking noise that spilled out into it from three floors up. The keen air scythed into my lungs, refrigerating my head from the inside, cleared the fumes and double vision, settled the stomach. I was all ready for a refill.

Beaming cautiously I nipped back up to the Earls Court flat that throbbed with weaving bodies and thundering music. The Four Letters were climbing the Hit Parade for the first time, and were hurling a party to see how many extra birds they could get. I gazed on the scene with now morning-fresh eyes, seeing the famous spotty faces contorted in laughter or deep-thought, wallowing in the waves of tiny skirts and skin-tight pants whose occupants – or most of them – clung to all things male as the music slammed out to conquer conversation. The record by the Four Letters, I noticed, got a good airing every other time or so. I knew the words backwards now – those I could decipher.

Extract from Chapter 21

Cornlow and Mike came running up, shivering with the cold. A crowd of girls were jumping around them, and one of them came up and rubbed her breasts against me. I was just wondering what to do about this when a solid mass of blokes came up in the gloom, thrusting the squeaking girls aside. When the first blow hit me on the side of the face and the coloured lights spattered and swam in my brain, I felt resignation rather than surprise.

There was the sound of sudden screams, an impression of rapidly-moving bodies, and dark solid objects sending bolts of pain through me. I lost sight of the others in preservation of self, but knew when I saw them again that their faces wouldn’t be the same. It was a madhouse. I lashed out blindly, and tried to shout, but no words came. My head was full of shrieks, flaming rockets were shooting off behind my eyes – and then I was spinning backwards, the earth flung my feet away and slammed me in the back; and I was lying down watching the scene, and no one was hitting me any more.

Our attackers – and afterwards I reckoned there’d been at least a dozen – were squirming about on the ground, having been set on by hordes of girls, few of whom were over fifteen probably, who were kicking viciously or striking down at the leather-jerkined bodies with shoes deadly with stiletto heels. The other two groups had rushed up also, and were joining in with loud shouts and flying elbows. And I saw young, twisted Mike on the outskirts of the mêlée, belting the hell out of one of the toughies with no-longer-soft fists that he now realised could really hit as hard as James Bond’s or Batman’s.

 

*         *         *

 

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Hot Property 

Encouraged and inspired by Brian Rix RIP and Ray Cooney, Hot Property is my new yet traditional farcical comedy play, premiered on stage by the Roadwater Players, Director: Peter Jaques, 9-13 May 2017, at the Village Hall, Roadwater, Somerset.

Extract 1

(Tony sits and lays his head on the table and shuts his eyes. He doesn’t see DYMPHNA FLOOD enter. Very pretty, she wears a man’s dressing gown and over-large slippers, carrying a tray with two mugs of coffee and a sugar bowl)

DYMPHNA
(brightly)
Coffee up.

(Tony jerks upright and gazes incredulously at Dymphna)

DYMPHNA
(cont’d)
Do you take sugar?

TONY
(astounded)
Who…who…?

DYMPHNA
Don’t sit there making owl-noises, drink up.

TONY
Get away from that window, someone’ll see you!

Tony staggers over and closes the curtains again, plunging them into semi gloom. He switches on the anglepoise lamp on the desk.

DYMPHNA
Did you know your front door’s open?

TONY
Don’t you start. I hardly know what I’m doing any more.

(he stares at her)

TONY (cont’d)
Who are you?

DYMPHNA
Don‘t you remember? Last night?

(Tony blinks, shaking his head)

DYMPHNA (cont’d)
What a performance!
(she grins)
Don’t worry, I managed to get the stain off.

TONY
(faintly)
Stain?

DYMPHNA
The wine you slopped on your jacket. And wasn’t it a howl when you dropped the Busy Lizzie into the consommé? – talk about making a splash socially. (Tony continues to stare at her in stupefaction)

TONY
I did what?

DYMPHNA
You must remember? The party we went to after we dragged you out of that pub.

TONY
Pub?

DYMPHNA
The Belvedere.

TONY
What was I doing in the Belvedere?
(morosely)
It’s where I first met my wife.

DYMPHNA
Yes, you were going on about her all evening. Karen, isn’t it?

TONY
I must’ve gone there to try and forget her. Like I said, I don’t know what I’m doing any more.
(he puts his face in his hands again)

DYMPHNA
C’mon, get that coffee down you.

TONY
I still don’t know who-who-who-…

DYMPHNA
Don’t start that again. Someone had to bring you home. We drew lots, I lost.

TONY
Thanks very much.

DYMPHNA
Your address was in your wallet, keys in your pocket. What a business it was getting you into bed.
(she laughs)
Just wouldn’t come off.

TONY
Wha-?

DYMPHNA
Your socks, they seemed glued to your feet.

TONY
We didn’t, er…? Did we, er…?

DYMPHNA
I may be fairly open-minded but I draw the line at cuddling up to corpses. I found the spare room and slept in there.

TONY
I still don’t know who you are.

(he peers at her)

TONY (cont’d)
And why are you wearing my dressing gown and slippers?

DYMPHNA
Because you yawned in inglorious Technicolor all over my Betty Jackson.

TONY
Wha’?

DYMPHNA
Designer dress, cost a fortune.

TONY
I’m sorry.

DYMPHNA
It’s in your washer/dryer. Soon as it’s ready I can be on my way.

(Tony looks at his watch in fresh alarm)

TONY
But you’ve got to go NOW! Dalrymple’s due!

DYMPHNA
Who…? Or what…?

TONY
The landlord’s surveyor who’s about to complete the ruination of my life.

DYMPHNA
Can I stay and watch?

TONY
No you can’t.

DYMPHNA
Come on, I adore other people’s misery. What’s the problem?

(Tony holds his head again)

Extract 2

(the policeman peers round the door, reacts in surprise at seeing women there)

POLICEMAN
Ahem.

(Dymphna squeals. Karen whirls round)

KAREN
You scared the life out of us. What…?

POLICEMAN
Begging your collective pardons, ladies, but the gentleman I spoke to earlier said there were none of the opposite gender here.

DYMPHNA
Well so there aren’t.

KAREN
(looking around)
I can’t see any. Apart from him.

POLICEMAN
There’s, um, you.

KAREN
But we’re not the opposite gender – you are.

DYMPHNA
Or so we must suppose – you can never be too sure these days.

POLICEMAN
I take it the gentleman filled you both in.

KAREN
Perhaps you’d like to enlarge on that.

POLICEMAN
About the flasher.

KAREN
What?

DYMPHNA
Did you say what we thought you said?

POLICEMAN
Yes, Madam, Miss, Ms. A Flasher. Pops in and shows up through open doorways like this one.

DYMPHNA
Never shows down?

POLICEMAN
I beg your…?

KAREN
You mean he shows up for a showdown?
(Dymphna and Karen cackle with laughter)

POLICEMAN
I can assure you this is a most serious matter.

KAREN
Of course it is. Excuse us. What does he, er, look like?

POLICEMAN
Much the same as most other men I dare say.

DYMPHNA
She means, Constable, how will we recognise this man if he, er, shows up here – apart from his…

POLICEMAN
He does it so quick, in and out and gone again, no one’s really noticed yet.

KAREN/DYMPHNA
(looking at each other)
Tell me about it!

POLICEMAN
So far witnesses have seen only a shadow flitting in and out of doorways. But we do know he usually sings ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ just before making his entrance.

KAREN
Bit of a giveaway, isn’t it?

DYMPHNA
Well it’s different, I’ll give him that. That would certainly be a first for me.

POLICEMAN
Psychological profiling suggests—

KAREN
Spare us the details, officer. And at least it puts Tony in the clear – he’s tone deaf.

POLICEMAN
(edging to door)
Right then – you’ll let me know if you see anything?

DYMPHNA
I’m sure we wouldn’t miss it if we did.
(policeman exits)

DYMPHNA (cont’d)

Funny, that.

KAREN
Glad you think so.

DYMPHNA
Here’s you thinking I’ve been bonking your husband –

(Dalrymple re-enters from the ante-room carrying a folded metal stepladder and his theodolite)

DYMPHNA (cont’d)
– but it’s not till he’s out of the house that I’m even in any danger of getting flashed at.

Extract 3

Tony jabs Karen’s ribs to say something. Reluctantly, she does.

KAREN
But you did say how well we suited your cottage, Miss Savage.

TONY
Yes! We love to think of your parents in their first flush of passion there, and feel sure we can equal it. Springs creaking…
(Karen jabs him back)
…Spring speaking with honeysuckle-scented whispers through the loo door –
(another jab)
– er, victor ludorum in the game of love, your mother and father, I mean, triumphant in their rumpy-pump—

KAREN
(trying to save it)
– ‘Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall’ – remember that childish rhyme that used to tumble romantically from our mouths in our fun-filled foolishness, dearest?

TONY
I bet Miss Savage’s parents had their own secret little song, winsomely sweet, tripping from tingling tongues through lips numb from kissing, their adoring glances meeting across the f-f-flickering f-f-fireplace…

(Karen steps on his foot to stop him)

KAREN
(side of mouth)
You’d better quit while you’re still behind.

Extract 4

extracts
The Roadwater Players Rehearsing Hot Property

KAREN

This, um, cottage – where is it?

HAWKINS
Oh you won’t have heard of the place.

KAREN
(ominously)
Try me.

HAWKINS
It’s in a tiny Welsh village, I can hardly even say the name.

KAREN
Indulge me.

(Hawkins limbers up his mouth, licks his lips)

HAWKINS
Are you sure you want to hear?

KAREN
(tersely)
Yes!

HAWKINS
I’m sure my Welsh accent will be terrible.

KAREN
I don’t mind.

HAWKINS
Okay, let’s try… Ah…

(he inflates his chest and makes to say it. Pauses)

HAWKINS (cont’d)
I ought to say really it’s more of a hamlet – without ‘to be or not to be’ thrown in. Haw haw.

KAREN
(a squeal)
What’s the bloody place called?

HAWKINS
Llanfihangel-nant-y-gof.

KAREN
(wipes her cheek, starts to giggle)
Did you say Llanfihangel-nant-y-gof?

HAWKINS
(wipes his cheek)
Yes, Llanfihangel-nant-y-gof! My goodness, you can say it too.

KAREN
(wipes her cheek)
Ha ha ha. So I can!

(she giggles more)
HAWKINS
(laughs too)
It is a funny name, isn’t it!

KAREN
It’s a lot funnier than you think.

(Karen’s laughter becomes hysterical and suddenly the place sounds like a parrot-house)

 

Hot Property PAGE

 

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Surviving

Accident-prone out-of-work singer Leanna re-invades the sanctity of her younger cousin Pippa who is struggling to make a living as a commercial artist. Five years ago they shared this same flat and parted acrimoniously.

Extract from Scene 3

LEANNA:  I agree that when we shared before, I may have lacked a certain directional focus.

 

PIPPA: Or one iota of common sense.

 

LEANNA: But this is a different Leanna with drive, ambition and purpose who’s about to launch a bright new glittering career with an instrument that will accompany her soaring vocal dexterities.

 

PIPPA: An electric cattle-prod? Now, if you don’t mind…

 

LEANNA: I’m talking about (DRAMATICALLY) this.

 

SFX: RUSTLING SOUNDS AS LEANNA PULLS A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT FROM HER CASE.

 

PIPPA: What the hell’s that?

 

LEANNA: A ukulele.

 

SFX: A FEW STRUMS ON A WOODEN UKULELE.

 

LEANNA: (CONT’D) Four weeny strings, light and portable, yet mesmerisingly melodious. Children learn on it at school these days. It means ‘jumping flea’ in Hawaii where it comes from.

 

SFX: A FEW MORE STRUMS.

 

PIPPA:  (APPREHENSIVELY) Is that why I’m scratching?

 

*         *         *

 

PIPPA: You’re not putting that poster on the wall? Who or what is it?

 

surviving extracts
Pippa – still baleful, and the irrepresible Leanna

LEANNA: (WITH A SIGH) My George.

 

PIPPA: Your George? George who?

 

LEANNA: Formby, of course.

 

PIPPA: You mean you passed up the Peruvian yak breeder with halitosis for a man with a face like a gargoyle and teeth like Red Rum? How old is he?

 

LEANNA: (ANOTHER SIGH) A hundred and thirteen this very year.

 

PIPPA: Well, at least that’s twenty years younger than your boyfriend before last with the gorgonzola socks and armpits from hell.

 

LEANNA: (DREAMILY) George opened my eyes to a whole new world when he gave me the split stroke, roll stroke, double shuffle and rotating fan.

 

PIPPA: I hope he bought you dinner afterwards.

 

*         *         *

Surviving PAGE

 

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